Wow. Hello.

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Wow. Hello, blog. You are still here!

It was weird to get a notification about a comment on a post of a blog I have not opened for YEARS. But hey, it was nice. To read some posts again and felt the familiarity of .. yeah I was there, or yeah I felt that feeling at that time.

So where I am now? Bali. It has been over two years since I first moved to Bali.

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Kuta beach .. right on my doorstep .. NOT.

What have happened? Hmmm. A LOT. I don’t even know where to start hahahaa. I live in a house right across the rice field now, in a village just outside Canggu. Quite a change from metropolis Singapore, or even the hippy haven Ubud.

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Okay, my house apparently is close to the border between Badung and Tabanan regency

I live with two adorable, medium-sized, Bali mix dogs – Shira and Cooper, who wake me up EVERY EFFIN DAY at 6 am (yes, they don’t understand the concept of lazy, let’s sleep in weekend) to go for a 45-60 mins walk to nearby ricefield/empty lot where they can poop, eating cow poos, sniffing cow’s leg, or playing chase and hide and seek at dried-up rice fields.

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Shira is the grey and white one, Cooper is the white spotted one

And oh, I have a boyfriend, for almost 9 months now, whom I met in a conference in Kuching, Malaysia and told me he wanted us to be business partner AND life partner right off the bat – causing me giving him a sheepish awkward smile, not sure what to do or to say.

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And oh yeah, we went to Europe too! This is Ulm in Germany.

So yeah. Life has been great. Everyday I am reminded how far I have come from my dark age, those drama-queenish years back in 2005 to 2008, and I cannot be more grateful.

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I am reserved. For time being. (and le boyfriend booed at “for the time being.”)

And hey, writing feels easy now. Maybe I will write again. Or not. Let’s see and hope for the best!🙂

But anyway, it’s nice to be back here again!

Second.

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So. Yeah.
Here is the thing.
I can’t really complain and ask “Why would God let me to know you just to find out that we cannot be together (at least not for another 22 months)?” like they do in those love songs.

I can’t. Cause I know why.
To show me that you can actually meet somebody and it is possible that it just clicks between you two.
That you can suddenly meet somebody that gets you, that understand why you do things you do, simply cause he believes in the same things.
That it is actually possible to come across somebody amazing through a combination of a seemingly random events, but you know perfectly that there’s no such thing as coincidence.
That it is actually possible to meet somebody and suddenly the word commitment is not as scary as it was before.
That you can, and you will – if you have not – meet the right person.

I know those stuff. I can’t ask that question.

And it kills me now,

Cause I start to read articles about perfect man and somehow I always picture you although I don’t even know if you are indeed that perfect.

I cuddle with another person while watching movie about human relationship, and I keep going back to those days that we spent together. The first kiss. The moment we stared at the sky and you showed me Orion Belt constellation. The moment we solved a misunderstanding by talking fairly about it, without hard feelings whatsoever. The moment we could just lay side by side, doing our own thing and it was okay. The moment we had fun playing Uno and finished the whole deck.

I keep thinking about what could have.

I keep thinking you are this perfect person, and I keep regretting the fact that you might become the one that got away.

Can we have a second chance?

Second visit – 30 days, doing things together, from the exciting ones to the very mundane ones.

To actually prove whether we can get along THAT good, or it was just spur of the moment.
To actually prove whether we are that perfect for each other, or it was just our head playing games on us.

I wish for a second chance.
And I wish for a courage, to actually tell you this. 

Leaving Singapore? WHY?

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Ever since I tell people about my plan to move out of Singapore, they started asking me what i think about the country. Why I wanted to move out. They know me well enough to see that I have amazing friends here (as amazing as friends back home), but they wanted to know why I decided to move out anyway.

And today i found this article, which basically sums up the reasons why I don’t really like this country.

Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for all the convenience that I have enjoyed in Singapore. I am grateful for all the money they paid me for contributing towards their national income. I am not an ungrateful bitch.

But I guess Singapore is just not for me. Maybe it is like meeting a guy who’s perfect by the book, but while he’s reliable, he’s too reserved, too restricted and too bland – and I can’t imagine of spending the rest of my life with him.

Check this article. Feel free to disagree. We probably disagree just because we are two different people who have different likes and dislikes.🙂

 

http://voices.yahoo.com/five-reasons-not-travel-singapore-south-6691622.html

 

One Fine Sunday.

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Amazing how a song can bring you back lots of memories.

This song brought me back to one sunny afternoon in Singapore.
Driving around Singapore, from Sentosa Island to East Coast Park then to River Valley Road.
Stopping randomly by the beach just to enjoy the breeze.
Singing my heart out along with the songs that came before/after this song.
Turning up the volume when this song came, until we couldn’t hear our own voices.

Yes.
Now this song is associated with you, Mr Lightning McQueen.

That was one fine Sunday.

And it will always be one🙂

You Are More Beautiful Than You Think.

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Came across this amazing video that made me shed a tear. Powerful, touching and empowering.

You are more beautiful than you think.

Ah. I remember that day, at Clarke Quay bridge. It was a farewell gathering for an Indian friend who is going to go back to Indiana, USA, to finish her Ph.D.

She was hugging everybody, to say goodbye. She took time to talk to everyone who’s there, for the last time before she left.

When i hugged her goodbye, she said, “Do you know what? Once Eugene (her boyfriend at that time) asked me, if I can be one of the girls at Couchsurfing (my social circle in Singapore), whom would i want to be. And I actually said i want to be you.”

WHAT.

“Yeah. Cause you’re cool, you have your own style and you’re so pretty.”

WHAT.

I was stunned. Another girl wanted to be me. While at that time, I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to be me. I always see flaws in myself. Not slim enough. Not pretty enough. Not feminine enough. I once lived seven years of my life thinking i am not good enough for somebody – and although I am not there anymore, sometimes i really need to convince myself (and myself esteem) that i am, indeed, good enough.

That night i learned that i am my own worst critic, Other people seem to able to see my good qualities better than i do. I have never believed when they give me praises, thinking that they’re just saying it .. you know, one of the positive things you say to friends although you don’t really mean it.

This is not a humblrebrag. I honestly, truly feel that I am not all that. But being in the middle of people who give affirmations instead of critic, who encourage instead of put you down – i finally learn to love and appreciate myself. That maybe I *am* pretty. Maybe i *am* pretty cool, Haha.

Well, few weeks later, the same friend wrote on my Facebook wall.

‘I showed pictures from Singapore to my host parent in Indiana, and suddenly they pointed at you and said “This girl is so pretty.'”

I didn’t know which photo she showed to them, but i got a feeling it was one of the photos we took during our weekend trip to Kuala Lumpur. I took a second look to the photos. I remember feeling very happy. I smiled all the time, cause I went there with my awesome Singapore friends.

I guess when you feel good, you look good.

You are more beautiful than you think, ladies. Stop criticizing yourself. I am definitely learning to stop doing it to myself.🙂

Hello, Butterflies.

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Oh, hey. Butterflies.

You are back.

How long has it been since the last time you were here? Six months? I think it was only for a short visit. You came together one night, with this guy that I had been kissing for few weeks. Nah, you weren’t always there. Maybe there was something in the air that night. The air, and shisha overdose.

I don’t think you were really there. I think i was just imagining you. Cause not long after that, you disappeared. 

It must be the shisha talking.

 

But hey, before that, when was it?

Ah I cannot remember. I am not particularly a fan of yours. To be honest? You’re not exactly a good guest. You often messes up the rooms you stay in, and you often provoke brain and heart to fight against each other. So excuse me for not inviting you to come over too often. I don’t want my brain to hate my heart, and vice versa. And they usually get along just fine if you’re not around.

 

But hey, you’re back.

You probably have been hanging out with this guy. Maybe you’re buddies. Cause everytime I talk to him, it seems like you always hover around us. Even before I met him. I think I caught you peeking into our messenger window while we were typing lines and lines of witty words, spending hours at once. But then you ran and hid. I remember catching glimpses of you, for few short seconds, before it was gone.

But hello. You’re back now. And you’re still here. 

Wow. You guys must be best buddies. What are you doing here? Trying to mess up everything? Trying to corrupt my brain so it keeps thinking about him all the time? Trying to make me obsess over things like, “OH WHY HASN’T HE REPLIED MY TEXT, ARE WE MEETING UP TONIGHT OR WHAT.”? 

No. 

No.

Stop it. 

I have better self control now. No, i am not gonna obsess over it. Even if i do, I won’t let him know by sending too much messages, or anything too enthusiastic. No.

 

Go, butterflies. Go. 

Yes. I don’t like you. To be honest, maybe it is because I am afraid of you.

So now, please go.

 

I don’t want you here. 

Bad Idea

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I am that bad idea.

The one that is like that guy your best friend falls in love with.

But he is leaving in few months for good.

Or, he is still going to be away until who knows when, to pursue his dreams
He doesn’t know when he’s coming back. Of *if* he is coming back.

There is no solution.
He cannot be waited, and he also cannot be responsible for anyone yet.

The one that you instantly think, “No. Don’t do it. He is a bad idea. Find someone else.” the moment your best friend tells you about him.

I am usually the best friend.
Or I am usually you.

But I guess now I am him.

I am the bad idea.

I have never realized being a bad idea is such a lonely job.