The Art of Deleting

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Since when, holding hands is more intimate than kissing and making out?
Since when, one of the most important thing to do after a break up is deleting his/her from our facebook contacts?

Hahaha.

Maksud saya tentunya bukan menghapus facebook contact yang kita hampir nggak kenal, atau meremove seseorang yang mengupdate statusnya setiap lima menit dan mengakibatkan seluruh newsfeed kita penuh sama namanya dia ..

bukan, bukan itu.

Yang saya maksudkan adalah menghapus seseorang dari facebook contact, simply because we need to do that in order to get over this person.

Because let’s face it, newsfeed facebook yang menyebalkan itu seringkali sesukanya memilih facebook contact kita yang namanya muncul di newsfeed. There’s nothing we can do, adapun kita cuma bisa memilih options “Hide xxxx” saat namanya sudah TERLANJUR masuk di newsfeed.
Dan entry yang sudah terpajang di newsfeed itu kan bisa apa saja – bisa saja sekedar dia update status. Atau ganti profile picture. Atau upload foto dia sama pacar barunya.

So let’s not risk it.
Mendingan dihapus saja,
khususnya dalam kondisi apapun yang di mantan (pacar/gebetan) lakukan masih beresiko membuat jantung kita berhenti berdetak sepersekian detik, mengirim sinyal secepat kilat ke otak yang langsung berputar panik tanpa henti, dan menyebabkan “that horrible sinking feeling in your stomach” dan tangan pun menjadi dingin karena serangan resah gelisah yang tak tertahankan.

Okay, guilty as charged.
Saya itu pelaku penghapus.

Saya pernah menghapus seorang mantan pacar yang sudah on and off selama 6-7 tahun, dengan alasan saya benar-benar butuh menghilang dari hidup dia untuk sementara waktu, supaya saya benar-benar bisa get over him – to get used of my life without him in it (yeah, i’ve never really done that for the previous 7 years. hahahaha. cupuw emang)
Hasilnya?
Well, it kinda work.
Tapi kebetulan orangnya memang cukup terbuka facebooknya, dimana dia sama sekali tidak memberlakukan restricted access ke accountnya, sehingga kalau mau saya masih bisa membuka nama dia dan membaca semua yang terjadi di situ.
But i refrained myself to do so.
After a while, saya melakukan tes ke diri sendiri dan membuka facebook account dia. Well, there are some posts when i could see him talking with this new girlfriend of his.
And i felt okay.
That’s when i know I can start talking to him again.
We talk again, and he re-added me as his facebook contact. And I approved.
He remains my contact until now.

Another case.
Another ex boyfriend, yang putus karena dia memang menjalin hubungan sama perempuan lain. A strong excuse to delete him, because i really DON’T want to see him or his pictures or his conversation with this certain girl within 1-2 months period after the break up.
I deleted him, after telling him beforehand. And he understood.
We’ve started talking few weeks ago, and he has already re-added me as his facebook contact.
But i haven’t approved.
Entah kenapa.
Hahaha.

OK.
So it’s clear then.
Saya adalah pelaku penghapus.
Dan kemarin sore adalah pertama kalinya saya sadar bahwa saya DIHAPUS.

It started three weeks ago, percakapan senin pagi di hari lebaran dengan seseorang (the one that got away, siapa lagi memangnya? hahaha). The day we decide to let us go. The day we decide that God has finally answers his prayer by giving him the answer he has been expecting for the last 9 months.
He asked me not to call him temporarily. And I agreed.
Minggu-minggu berikutnya saya menyadari ada perubahan dalam aktivitas account facebooknya. Mendadak dia jadi sangat aktif, padahal sebelumnya dia sama sekali tak pernah mengupdate apapun di situ. He barely chooses a decent picture for his profile, let alone updating his status even once a day.

Perubahan #1 : He changed his profile picture.
Dengan sebuah foto bersama dia dan pacarnya, yang sudah dipacarinya selama nyaris dua tahun terakhir. He also uploaded some other pictures. After some years, that was the first time i saw his girlfriend’s face.
I felt pretty bummed somehow, but i know this the choice that i have to make.

Perubahan #2 : He updated his status few times a day.
followed by conversations between him and the girlfriend in comment boxes below that.
i resisted to comment anything there (yeah i know it wouldn’t be a wise thing to do, since his girlfriend is always overreacting everytime she hears my name)
plus, i respect his wish not to mess up with his life anymore.

Akhir-akhir ini nama dia tak muncul lagi.

Kemarin, saya iseng ingin tahu apakah dia jadi ke Jakarta minggu-minggu ini. I searched him on facebook (untuk melihat update statusnya) and found out that small writing beside his (their) picture – ADD AS A FRIEND.
what?
seriously?

Yes.
I have been deleted from his account.

It was .. i don’t know, it’s pretty hard to explain the feelings, but i think i feel slightly sad.
Yes, I was pretty sure to do the thing i did three weeks ago, but now i am not so sure anymore.

And somehow by knowing that he had deleted me,
i just realized there’s no turning back.

I could be a selfish bitch by starting to call him again, but I know i shouldn’t.
I shouldn’t do such a bad thing to such a good person.

Then, I just realized something.

Being deleted is like,
being officially removed from a person’s life,
being officially crossed out from the list of people that he/she acknowledges as friends, that he/she doesn’t mind sharing details of his/her life with.
(sekali lagi, ini hanya berlaku untuk facebook contacts yang beneran teman / pernah dekat)

and knowing that you have been deleted is like,
being told in your face that (he/she wishes that) you no longer exist in his/her life.

And i was deleted.

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